Wow, naman. Ba't ganito? I thought my feelings for him were gone. :( Bakit parang may something pa rin? Yung feeling na akala mong wala ka nang feelings tapos kapag makita mo siyang may kasamang iba, napapraning at nasasaktan ka pero tinatago mo lang? :( Hirap pa naman ng state ko dito. Nasa Friend zone ako. I can't tell him that I have feelings for him kasi baka masira yung friendship namin. Ang tagal na kaya ng 10 years of being best friends tapos masisira lang sa isang pagkakamali?
Well, actually, being in love with someone isn't a mistake. It's just that there are risks that you are going to take. And hell, I'm not a risk taker. I may risk my life to save my loved ones but not the friendship. D: Bakit kasi nilagay ako ng Diyos sa sitwasyon na ito eh. :( Ang hirap tuloy. But then, "Life is hard. If it's easy, then you're doing it wrong." ika nga nila. Last night I thought that I was over him. I already accepted the fact that there will be nothing "special" between us. Pero parang nawala lahat ng mga inakala kong totoong salita from me.
I've been struggling to sort these feelings of being in love with him, wanting to be with him, or having him as my boyfriend or even my husband. For 4 years, I've been struggling with this sort of stuff. Four years. I really don't think he sees me as his girlfriend or wife. Gaah. I don't have the courage to say what I feel about him. Imagine him freaking out about what I said. Imagine him backing out from me, getting away from me. Now that hurts more, right? :( On the other hand, if I don't say anything, then I would still be hurt.
"Let him be happy. If he's happy, then you'll be happy." Foine. I'll do just that. I'll try to hide my feelings for him so that hell won't break loose. Now, tell me. Am I doing the right thing? Am I being a goody-two-shoes? :( Generally, I just want him to be happy. I don't want to see him end up like a jerk. I don't. I just don't.
What nags me the most is that what if in time, later on in the future, he will fall in love with me and I don't feel the same way again? What will happen then? =/ What if he can't say it also 'cause he's also afraid of breaking our friendship? What if he feels the same way I'm feeling right now? Hopeless. It's hard, especially when I watch those movies where best friends of different gender fall in love with each other and live happily ever after. It gives me hope, but at the same time it also breaks my heart because of the possibility that that will never happen to me. :( Damn movies. Mixing up my feelings and shit. :|
But I still do hope we could work it out. Sigh. I'm hopeless. If only he could realize that I'm here all along. That would make things much much better. :(
If you are reading this (which is impossible because you never visit my blog. Lol.), I just want to tell you that I love you. No matter who you are, what you are, I love you. If you don't know who I am referring to, look at the labels/tags. :)) It took me a lot of courage to put yer name there, so you better give me positive feedbacks. Jk. Stay anonymous if you like. If you don't want to be with me, it's fine. Just don't do anything stupid like break our friendship or something worse. Because you know, it will kill me. Not seeing you around, not being able to laugh at our corny and/or useless jokes breaks my heart and soul. Just don't break our friendship once you've found out about this. Just don't. :) Thanks. Iloveyousososomuch. (no spaces for lies. Ansaveeeeh? LMFAO.) Be safe. :]
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